Grief Brief #24 Losing a loved one to death is always a difficult experience for family members, acquaintances, and friends. There is a large measure of sadness in the hearts and lives of those who will be grieving. The Funeral Mass, a Memorial Service, or a Celebration of Life Event can help, all who have lost someone, to honor and remember those persons, as they mourn.
I thought it most appropriate at this time to address the personal, emotional impact the present pandemic has had upon us. The focus in this Grief Brief will be upon the very strong feelings it has stirred up in each of us.
One of the many difficult tasks in the grieving process is knowing when and how to dispose of the clothing and personal objects of a deceased loved one. The rule of thumb is that this should not be undertaken until the grieving person is ready to do so. Of course, circumstances may dictate that this be done immediately.
In this grief note we will look at the topic of writing out some of our grief experiences as our grief work proceeds. Many grief authors refer to this as keeping a grief journal. Some people believe that they cannot write with any degree of ease, especially while they are grieving. This sounds like a difficult undertaking, but it is a very profitable one that is also personally rewarding.
As we move through the holidays this year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, and New Years, my hope, prayer, and wishes are that you, the readers of this message, have been able to capture the essence of the season. With the support and caring of friends and family, persons who are grieving can experience the joy of the holidays.
We begin this Grief Brief with the often asked question: “How long will this grieving last?” The simple response is that it will last for as long as is needed for each individual person. People grieve for as long as it takes to heal from a very difficult life event – the loss of a loved one or some other significant loss.
As we explore sadness, depression, and grief, we who are grieving have come to know the pervasiveness of sadness within the grief journey. It is sometimes hard to believe that the intense feelings of absence, aloneness, and missing will ever lighten. What we do with these feelings is important.
As we begin a new grief message this month our focus will be on how children face losses and how they express their grief. A number of people believe that babies and small children are unaware of a loss that occurs within a family. This is not totally true. Although they don’t understand the concept of death and the loss that ensues, they do sense that something is amiss. Their parents and others are sad , and perhaps weeping. They can easily respond to this with clinging and restless behavior.
Now that the Thanksgiving holidays are upon us, we are drawn by a spirit of gratitude that speaks to us. Too often, however, we look around at our world and our lives, and foremost in our minds is not that which is enriching us and bringing us joy, but rather at that which we have lost. Someone significant to us will not be at our Thanksgiving dinner table. The gathering of family for the holiday weekend makes us keenly aware of the fact that someone very special will be absent for all of the sharing and fun that holiday get-togethers can bring.
As we share this Grief Brief (#13), we will look at the concept of change. Grief and the healing it brings will cause our hearts, minds, and souls to change with the changes that can aid us in moving forward with our lives. Most people, especially those in the middle and latter phases of life, would prefer stability without a lot of change. They seek the “tried and tested” as opposed to innovation. When we grieve, however, change is imposed upon our lives. This occurs not in radical ways that diminish who we are, but in ways that develop new aspects of our person and lives.
As we face grief and the grieving process it is important to be aware that we are holistic human beings. Consequently, grief will affect the physical, emotional, and spiritual components of who we are. Persons who ignore the need to grieve may sometimes be alerted by some physical problems that erupt. It is not unusual that chronic physical ailments like back issues, digestive problems, unstable blood pressure or diabetes are exacerbated by the stress of loss. This is so especially when the need to grieve a significant loss is ignored.
One of the issues that arises for people as they grieve is the subject of closure. Some well-meaning persons in our society (that may include some family members and friends) would have us bring the process of grieving to a close at some point along the journey of grief. They are yearning to see and relate to the “old us”- the one who is socially engaged, ever ready to reach out and help others, etc. The changes that grief effects upon a person doesn’t necessarily let that happen. The “old us” becomes a “new us” with values and life goals that have been re-processed and re-prioritized to create a “new normal” state of being.
Grief Brief #9 One of the difficult aspects of grieving is dealing with the strong feelings that emerge during the grief process. Among those known to most grievers are: sadness, loneliness, missing the person lost, anger that they are no longer a part of one’s life, and guilt over what one believes should or could have been done for the loved one. Hindsight becomes quite keen while one is grieving. Self-blame, regret, and guilt easily follow.
My first thought in writing this next grief note, is to wish you, the readers, a Happy Easter, A Happy Passover, and a Happy Springtime. May these occurrences fill you with hopefulness and joy as you proceed through your grief journey.
Since the erratic winter months are upon us, perhaps we could look at the topic of the “winter blues”. Cold gray days, the snow, and the bleak scenes in nature have a way of affecting our mood and emotional lives. This is especially so when we are also facing personal tragedies, health crises, or the loss of loved ones.
Grief Brief # 5 The holidays have come and gone, and hopefully, your experience of them was pleasant and gratifying. Being in the presence of family and friends is heart-warming for most grieving persons. It is hoped that you came to enjoy some new traditions that were different, but totally satisfying to all who participated in the holiday celebrations with you.
Grief Brief #4 In last month’s grief note we addressed up-coming holidays and how to prepare for them. Well, we have already experienced the 1st of the series. Hopefully, it went better than expected. Coming on the heels of Thanksgiving are Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza, with New Year’s Day not far behind them. I do hope that none of you succumbed to aloneness and isolation during Thanksgiving and that pattern not be repeated for the holidays to come.
Grief Briefs Part 3 - The holidays are fast approaching and, no doubt, have induced a lot of concern among grieving persons. Because the holidays of : Thanksgiving, Hanukka, Christmas, Kwanza, and New Years entail a coming together of friends and family, the absence of a significant other who has died is keenly felt.
The first grief note posted ended with the thought that family and friends can be the sustaining force and a great source of strength for those who are grieving. Because the grieving process is long, with some days being more difficult than others a support team is a must. Members of that team need not entail a multiplicity of persons. As few as 2 or 3 persons with caring hearts, ears willing to listen when the need arises, and a ready spirit to be there for you will suffice.
As a follow-up to the information about the on-going Grief Support Group at St. Matthias Church in Lanham, there will be forth-coming grief notes to be shared with you, our readers.