Grief Brief #9
One of the difficult aspects of grieving is dealing with the strong feelings that emerge during the grief process. Among those known to most grievers are: sadness, loneliness, missing the person lost, anger that they are no longer a part of one’s life, and guilt over what one believes should or could have been done for the loved one. Hindsight becomes quite keen while one is grieving. Self-blame, regret, and guilt easily follow.
Anger may extend beyond self or the loved one to anger at God, who after all, could have spared the person for several more years, giving him or her wellness. Anger at medical personnel in our health care system can also arise when we believe that they could have tried harder to save the person or to have given better care. Anger may also be extended to the person who died, especially if one feels that self-neglect was a causative factor in an earlier than desired death.
As feelings emerge they have a power of their own which will certainly increase if the feelings are repressed or denied. Looking at feelings and trying to understand what they are conveying to us is quite important. Taking the time to see the reality of what one feels, talking about those feelings with a trusted other, or writing them out gives an escape of them from our inner world. Of course this process cannot be done just once. The feelings will emerge several times over until they dissipate and one can let them go.
Whenever strong feelings emerge during grief they require a process of forgiveness for needed healing to follow. Forgiveness is extended to anyone considered to be complicit in any aspects of the loss. When forgiveness of whomever, including self, is hard in coming there is a need to pray for the ability and strength to forgive. Then, peace can follow.
Remember that holding on to unforgiveness or any of the strong feelings that emerge during grief will also lead to an undue toxic burden of spiritual and emotional unrest and unhappiness to be carried throughout one’s life. Therefore, a word of wisdom is to visit and process the feelings.
My first thought in writing this next grief note, is to wish you, the readers, a Happy Easter, A Happy Passover, and a Happy Springtime. May these occurrences fill you with hopefulness and joy as you proceed through your grief journey.
We will now look at one thing that could help us to move forward in grief. Learning about all of the aspects of grief is very helpful to the person who is going through the process. Fortunately, there are many wonderful books, articles, and periodicals that explore the many facets of grieving. These are written by professionals who have specialized in grief education and grief counseling, as well as by persons who have walked the road of grief and choose to share their insights and learned experiences. Knowing what can possibly be of help to us in our journey is quite important.
Our libraries and bookstores, as well as articles on the internet, provide a vast amount of information on the topics loss and grieving. Several decades ago none of that information was available to grieving persons, so we are fortunate indeed.
Some who are grieving may find it difficult to focus on or comprehend well information on the topic of grief. This is so in the early months of grieving when there is a strong sense of dishevelment pervading one’s being. Even some avid readers have lost that sense of comprehension early in grief. That wonderful ability to enjoy books will return in time, however. In the meantime, choosing to read shorter articles or topics on grief that may be of interest is very helpful. A lot of grief education of this type occurs in many Grief Support Groups.
Caring friends will sometimes offer us books on the topics of grief and loss as a way of reaching out to us. If you are not ready to read those books at the time they are received, just put them aside for a later date when they will become a treasure to you.
So, I invite you to learn more about grief from books, periodicals, and articles. They will provide you with gems of wisdom and a better understanding of your own grieving.
Grief Brief # 7
This grief note will invite us to focus on multiple losses that we might face as we grieve. These can occur under three separate circumstances. We will consider each of them.
When we lose a significant other we focus primarily upon the loss of an important person in our lives. Our grief can be centered solely upon the loss of that person. Yet, there are many other secondary losses that are connected with our principle loss. Here is how that happens.
Having lost a spouse, we soon recognize that we have perhaps lost a partner, a soul-mate, a friend. We miss the planning, discussing, and decision-making we may have done jointly. Many responsibilities carried during our lives together by the absent partner are now solely ours, whether we are ready for them or not.
When a child dies, no matter what his or her age may be, we feel the loss of being a guiding and caring parent. We feel that we have been robbed of sharing the dreams, pursuits, or the special events like graduations, weddings, job promotions etc. that could have occurred in that child’s life.
When losing a friend, we miss the special sharing and companionship that was ours. Many a life secret or plan was shared with that person who is now absent from our lives.
These added losses, although sometimes discounted, can add to the burden of grief and mourning that a person can experience.
Another aspect of multiple losses takes into account personal tragedies or crises we may face along with the primary loss. These multiple losses can include: a serious illness that befalls us or a person in our family; some grave misfortune that has come to the life of a friend or family member like serious financial troubles, the loss of a job, an accident, etc. Included in this list are the losses that are consequences of natural disasters like floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, or the like. In all of these circumstances our primary grief, surrounding the loss of a deceased loved one, must sometimes be placed on hold temporarily until the new imposing situations are handled. We will grieve for our lost loved one, but only after the crises or significant problems are dealt with and somewhat resolved.
A third aspect of multiple losses weighs upon us when people we have known and cared about for years begin to die. The causes may be aging, illness, catastrophic occurrences that involve many people (ex.9/11, a significant flood), or acts of violence like shootings, stabbings, riots, accidents, suicides, etc. There is a need to choose well how many of these circumstances will call forth our concern, compassion, and personal caring. The burden of our own grieving process will limit the amount of emotional energy that we can invest in any of these circumstances. When we have grieved and healed adequately, we will have the emotional strength and stamina to get more fully involved in caring and reaching out to others.
Thus we see, from what has been described, that grieving can be multi-faceted. Choosing well where our focus, our attention, and energies are placed is very important so that our own healing is not unduly interrupted. The call is to care for our own grieving selves so that we in time may be able to reach out to others in a loving and caring way.
Since the erratic winter months are upon us, perhaps we could look at the topic of the “winter blues”.
Cold gray days, the snow, and the bleak scenes in nature have a way of affecting our mood and emotional lives. This is especially so when we are also facing personal tragedies, health crises, or the loss of loved ones.
The truth is that experiencing the holiday season (now thankfully over) and the bleakness of the winter months does not necessarily have to be a major problem for us. There are some things we can do to lighten our spirits and cope a little better. Here are a few suggestions that can brighten the days and offset the sad, lonely feelings that want to envelope us at this time.
- Start with your thinking. A positive approach to a new day helps. Decide early on that there will be something happening today that will make it a “good day”. Look for that something! Expect it! Pray for its blessings!
- Have an agenda for each day that will hold promising events, enjoyable encounters with others, or places to go, etc. Many or even one will do.
- Reach out in love and caring to others. A kind word said during a telephone call, a smile or a warm greeting given to a person met, or a listening ear offered to someone in need, can make the caring happen. As we give in love, love will be received and our spirits, no doubt, will be lifted.
- Take some time to reflect not only upon what has been lost and is being grieved, but also upon whom and what we still have left in our lives. This can bring a measure of happiness and peace.
- At the end of the day be thankful for at least one “happening” that brightened the day and brought warmth to your heart. Be grateful and treasure it.
So, let the winter months come! Believe that some happiness can be found, despite whatever may be happening out of doors.
Grief Brief # 5
The holidays have come and gone, and hopefully, your experience of them was pleasant and gratifying. Being in the presence of family and friends is heart-warming for most grieving persons. It is hoped that you came to enjoy some new traditions that were different, but totally satisfying to all who participated in the holiday celebrations with you.
Now we face the winter months of January to March with their cold, snowy, or dreary days. The changes that have occurred in nature can easily add to the sad or lonely feelings we may be experiencing. Time in-doors during the cold or inclement weather affords us the opportunity to spend some quiet time looking at where we have come in our grief journey or how we are moving forward with our lives. Do we find ourselves having more energy to engage in meaningful activities like exercise, get-togethers with friends, sincere efforts at maintaining health and well-being, as well as engaging in hobbies or pastimes we have enjoyed in the past? These may have been a part of our lives before we were consumed with care-giving activities or the loss itself. Do something nice or something fun that will help in coping with any of the restrictions that Winter places upon us.
It is important to remember that your deceased loved ones would not desire that you remain trapped in the sadness of grief. They would rather wish that you explore ways to live a happy and fulfilling life in the days to come. So, choose to take the winter months to gather new insights and into discovering what can brighten the days and weeks of this new year that is unfolding.
In last month’s grief note we addressed up-coming holidays and how to prepare for them. Well, we have already experienced the 1st of the series. Hopefully, it went better than expected.
Coming on the heels of Thanksgiving are Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza, with New Year’s Day not far behind them. I do hope that none of you succumbed to aloneness and isolation during Thanksgiving and that pattern not be repeated for the holidays to come.
Christmas can be most stressful because of the consumerism that pervades our society. Buying gifts, decorating the home, preparing a suitable feast are all the expected activities. Spare yourself all of these efforts by keeping them as simple as possible. Accept the assistance of family members and friends. Be open to invitations that come your way, but set time limits as to how long you will participate. Also, give yourself the freedom to not accept invitations to gatherings if that is what you need to do this year. Remember, don’t isolate!
Spend some quiet time alone on a given holiday, remembering the wonderful experiences you enjoyed when your loved one was much a part of your life. The rest of your day could be spent with others, if that is what is feasible for you. At a holiday gathering do mention the name of your deceased loved one, either during the prayer shared before the meal or during a toast that is made. Be the initiator of these activities. Don’t hesitate to start a discussion, with the group that has gathered, about holidays past. This is when enjoyable, even funny events happened with your deceased loved one as a part of them. This will lighten everyone’s spirits and will provide younger members of the family a better insight into the person of their deceased loved one.
I wish you love, peace, and joy during the holidays that are ahead of us. May they be peace-filled and marked with loving memories – new ones and old ones, as well.
Grief Briefs Part 3
The holidays are fast approaching and, no doubt, have induced a lot of concern among grieving persons. Because the holidays of : Thanksgiving, Hanukka, Christmas, Kwanza, and New Years entail a coming together of friends and family, the absence of a significant other who has died is keenly felt.
To manage some of the stress-filled and foreboding thoughts and feelings regarding holiday celebrations it is wise to approach each event one by one. Looking at what one will do to prepare for each special occasion requires a peaceful spirit and a practical mindset. Things this year, and years to come, will be different. There is a deep absence felt.
Planning ahead in one’s own mind is quite important-“What do I want to do?”, “How do I want events to unfold so that I am comfortable?” Including family and friends in the planning process is also very necessary. A rule of thumb is to simplify what is done and how it will be done. All need to be involved in the planning and the carrying out of the plans upon which the majority agree. Some will believe that all can go on “just as it used to be” Not so! Someone will be missing. What will not and should not change, however, is the coming together of friends and family members to share love and caring
Caring for oneself is a very necessary part of getting through the holidays with ease and grace. Consider what will be helpful and healing to you and choose that. Holidays are not a time for the grieving person to be alone or to retreat from all that could bring joy.
To share some of the ideas just discussed, St. Matthias is hosting its annual Pre-Holiday Workshop , to be held on November 19th ( the Saturday before Thanksgiving) from 10 AM to 12 Noon at its school. All grieving persons and their loved ones are welcomed to attend.
The address is: St. Matthias School 9475 Annapolis Rd. Lanham, MD 20770
If you would like more information feel free to contact: Miriam Jacik, the Grief Coordinator at (301) 345-6054, or just feel free to join us at the workshop.
The first grief note posted ended with the thought that family and friends can be the sustaining force and a great source of strength for those who are grieving. Because the grieving process is long, with some days being more difficult than others a support team is a must. Members of that team need not entail a multiplicity of persons. As few as 2 or 3 persons with caring hearts, ears willing to listen when the need arises, and a ready spirit to be there for you will suffice.
Because family members are themselves grieving persons, having trusted friends could be very helpful to form your support team. It is amazing how friends from one’s past can serve as the needed support persons. If your support persons have themselves experienced a loss or losses in their lives, this is a plus. They will be able to readily relate to your experiences.
In selecting your support team members the persons to be avoided are those who believe that they can “fix you” as you proceed into the future with your life. Those who impose suggestions, give what they consider to be wise counsel, the criticizers, and those who would rush you through your grief are to be eliminated from your list of support persons.
Take enough time to select well, and by all means ask our dear God for the wisdom to know who best will assist you. Having caring others to accompany you as you grieve, no matter how long the journey takes, is a true gift. Once you have received the commitment of your support team, be sure to express your gratitude to them periodically for the gift that their presence is to you.
As a follow-up to the information about the on-going Grief Support Group at St. Matthias Church in Lanham, there will be forth-coming grief notes to be shared with you, our readers.
Losses are much a part of each of our lives. Some are smaller losses, others are significant and heart-breaking.
Our smaller losses we experience for a much shorter period of time. We feel the disappointment, some sadness, or perhaps shed some tears. In several hours or perhaps in a few days we let go of some of the feelings and expectations we had, and are able to move on to other things in our lives.
Bigger losses, that bring more serious consequences, are those that entail losing a loved one to death or though divorce; losing health through a serious illness; or perhaps losing one’s financial well-being. The serious consequences include a deep sense of sadness and a feeling of complete disruption of one’s life. We grieve these losses for weeks, months, or perhaps a year or years. During that time we shed our tears, reminisce what we had, process our deep feelings, and expect healing to occur in time. This is grief, a process we can’t avoid or easily dismiss. It is a process through which each person must pass despite its difficulty. The love of family and friends can be our sustaining force.
Before September 12th
1 Child: $100
2 Children: $150
3 or more Children: $195
After September 12th
1 Child: $125
2 Children: $175
3 or more Children: $220